ART BASEL MIAMI

Reflections on a freaky week:

•  John Baldessari, and basically no other artists present (sorry, Justin, I love you, but you don't count.)
• Strange lowbrow preview at the big boys' fair. It was fun to get dressed up and go, but cash bars? big lines? not much wine? Lame.  
• Great pie chart paintings in the back booth at Taxter and Spengemann from Andrew Kuo. (Is this my favorite gallery?)
• Lots of art about books (sculptures, drawings, watercolors and photos)-this could be a good sign? Are the artists reading again? Or is it: The art world equivalent/double for rich people who buy books just for show? Books in bulk to fill their "library?" because their McMansion came with a "library?" Fake books which are really just hollowed out secret hiding safes for jewelry? Art for the kind of people who use their book cases so infrequently that they hang art from shelves, blocking access?
• Lots of very "saleable" art: Paintings on canvas, dude.
• Lots of collages and altered photos and drawings that were re-printed on canvas or color laser paper, thereby creating instant simulacra and creating a highly polished wall piece (no muss no fuss)
• Endless lines, useless vip passes, angry rich girls in RTW high fashion fighting and pushing each other on the stairs outside the Delano for the Interview party.
• Pitch-perfect Deuce Bar, meeting place for friends!!! Awesome tunes. Best bartender in town.
• Amazing delicious cheap sandwiches at the sandwicherie, complete with mischevious, elfin  French sandwich boy, across from the Deuce.
• Lame mermaid and winged fairy at the Aqua Fair, but a terrific showing by Nudashank Gallery.
• No internet at NADA, which was otherwise a pretty great fair run by the great Heather Hubbs
• The utter farce which was "The Island"...all I got was a tote bag and some Cafe Bustelo.
• Jeffrey Deitch wandering about in a pale-Miami-pink suit.
• The awesome funny guy in the pushy taxi line at the Delano, who finally told his uptight boyfriend that he wasn't the "taxi police" and when someone asked his little dogs' name, he replied "Taxi!" without missing a beat.
• Embarrassing corporate sponsorship and expensive Nobu catering at the show-off-y Rubell collection, which admittedly did have some gorgeous Matthew Day Jackson wall pieces.
• Lovely, gracious presentation at the De La Cruz Collection, this weeks' winner by a landslide. A breathtaking top floor pairing Jim Hodges with Felix Gonzales-Torres, and an unparalleled back room presentation of Ana Mendieta. Also big props to the adorable 14-yr-old Tony Alva look-alike docent, the generous descriptions of work on each floor, and the gratis healing coffee and cookies in the garden.
• Kembra Pfhaler on the beach in a rolled-up sweatsuit. 
• Marc Horowitz writing erotic short stories with his bemused gallerist at his CreativeTime/Scope booth. So great.
• Cafe con leche from the storefront next to the Deauville Hotel.
• Shamelessly avoiding the bill at the $18 crappy Continental Buffet at the Deauville.
• Scary fight at German-hosted dance party at Rokbar or Funbar, I can't remember which. The bouncer split a guys' head open and they just left him there. There was blood all over the stairs, with a single paper towel left to soak some of it up. It was almost a really good dance party until that happened.
• The Horse-Drawn Hummer